For the past several years I've hated the first week of November. It's not exactly rocket science: that's when I leave Philmont, at least, when I usually leave. I figured I might get a reprieve this year with my contract ending so late, but 'twas not to be.
Did you ever have something go wrong that just reminds you that everything else is going wrong in your life? Two days ago my computer stopped working. I think it was the power supply, but what do I know? One minute it's running fine the next minute, it's done. I suppose that I could just get a new power supply, but they don't make the one I had anymore and an ordinary one won't fit in the tiny frame of the Fragbox. It was getting hard to upgrade it anyway, so I ordered a new one- well, I ordered a box of parts that I'm going to assemble myself. So far I'm in for $550.03 but I'm probably going to need a $120 OS to go with it, and if I do, there's a good chance I'm going to want a new hard drive while I'm at it. In the end I might end up spending as much on this computer as I did on the Fragbox. I'm planning on calling it the Gighemoth for all its size and power. Hey, it's my computer.
The problem is that I am now without a computer for the next few days, meaning I'm not only without my games, but without my ability to write and to watch movies. Obviously, I can still find a place to do each of these, but it's a part of a downward spiral I seem to be in. My contract is drawing to a close and I only have one job prospect at the moment for when I get home- about two hours away from where I live. I'm missing out on the Boat, a semi-secret activity that I can't remember having missed in the last dozen years or so. Oh, yeah, and the only contact Darby has made with me in the last two weeks was to tell me she hates me. In all caps.
What is strange about all of this is that I don't seem to be all that depressed. I am sad about it, so maybe I should invest in a thesaurus while I'm spending all this money, but I wouldn't use the word depressed. When I spent all day doing sudoku puzzles because it hurt me too much to walk across the room, that was depression. This is sadness; it passes. I probably needed a new computer anyway. I leave Philmont every year, and I miss the kids at church. The Boat, well, in another month we'll have too much to do to even think about the Boat. As for Darby, I don't think she really hates me. And if she does I know a lot of people who will think that I'm better off without her.
For now, I'm at Philmont. It's warm enough to wear shorts, and I'm raking leaves at the Villa, so I get to be outdoors. The yearly audit is over, the hunters are here and I made a fresh batch of cookies tonight. I can't say it doesn't get any better than this, but for some people it will never get this good. When I was home last, I talked to a corporate defense lawyer while our cars were being serviced. He didn't even try to disguise how jealous he was of my life although I don't want to think about the money he makes. That's why you can't really get depressed out here.
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